I was 20. On all accounts I was doing really well. An appreciated and accomplished performer. Beautiful girlfriend. Healthy. Lots to be grateful for. And yet, I carried a nagging feeling in my gut. Something was missing. Something that I couldn’t quite grasp.
I was always whispering sweet nothings into God’s ear, or actually, more so, wanting God to whisper back. Give me a sign, a message, something. Why the need for divine guidance? Seemingly because I wasn’t getting the support I needed down here on Earth. My family and friends were all swept up in their own daily lives and stories. Underneath my comical and bright exterior was a very insecure and fearful self-yearning to find some kind of stability in the ever shifting currents of daily life.
And then a divine messenger came to me in the guise of a 70 year-old woman. Her name was Sara Paz. She was a self proclaimed healer and channel. Now back in the 80’s such words were hardly ever used, especially to the extent that they are today. Then, healers were doctors and channels were found on TV.
It was my girlfriend who heard about Sara and was intrigued. Truth is, I was actually reluctant to visit her, but of course, I gave into the wishes of my sweetheart. Five minutes into our first visit, I felt a sense of ease. Her mystical musings and light-hearted aura gave me a sense of familiarity. And then came the ultimate experience. I lay down on her healing table and she placed her hands on my heart. A warm sensation filled my body. Soon I was tingling all over. I saw the light. It was all consuming. I was home.
When you turn the light on in a room that has long since been forgotten, the first thing that becomes apparent is how untidy the place has become. In that magical moment of illumination, I became totally aware of how much fear and insecurity I carried around inside my psyche. In fact, I was quite overwhelmed to be aware of the extent of the mess that was there.
This awareness was key in motivating me to consciously step onto the healing path. My experience had been so profound that I was ready to change everything about my life. I realized that without this deeper healing I would never truly be happy or content. I understood that my fears and insecurities would continue to plague me. I would be their slave, subject to a lifetime of unnecessary drama and pain.
I began a journey to discover my truest self.
I had no clue as to how deep the rabbit hole was and let me tell you, from my perspective, it has no bottom. It’s endless. The psyche is quite the maze and it’s easy to get lost in there.
Luckily, Sara was only the first of a long string of teachers who always seemed to appear just as a new lesson began. I met, studied and meditated with gurus, yogis, shamans, monks, channelers, priests, rabbis and what not. If they had a lesson to share I was willing to learn. My daily life took a back seat to the profound intricacies of the mystical universe. My career was a distant backdrop to the more compelling mysteries that lay just beneath my breath. In the silence. Between the thoughts.
Meditation became the vehicle to endless hours of the deepest exploration. I not only saw the light, I was immersed in it. It became my constant. My salvation. My home. For almost two decades, I was the modern day mystic. Meditation, meditation and more meditation. I channeled the masters, my soul, and angels. I communed with other dimensional realities. I sought the comfort of soothing and healing vibrations. In other words, I was NOT in my body.
Looking back I see now that I was simply building the base upon which I could then do the real work. It was no longer about venturing out into the endless sea of consciousness, but actually to quietly step back into my own body, heart, mind, psyche. It was there in the dark, cluttered, dusty spaces of my inner being, that I would need to bring the healing and light that I had so abundantly found in my soul along with all of those bright and beautiful dimensions.
It was time to meet my inner child, confront my parental conditionings, and question the many socially influenced ideas and paradigms. I would need to unpeel layer upon layer of masks and stories. Hold them to the light, embrace them, forgive them and eventually transform them into something new something lighter, deeper, mature yet playful, wise and oh so loving.
The journey home will never end.
It’s the thousand-petaled lotus slowly and gracefully unfolding. Cycles upon cycles of becoming and dying, transforming and letting go.
So here I am now, 47. On all accounts doing very well. Not because of the company I keep, the work I do or even my good health. Not because of anything really. I am well because rather than doing well, I prefer BEING well.
BE-ing is rooted in that divine place that seemingly can only be accessed through deep relaxation. It’s a tone. A frequency. A state. It’s like tapping into a source of energy that inspires both peace and creative expression. Yes, it’s the source from which all the creative, rich and colorful muse this amazing universe has to offer, flows.
I can only wish that you each find your own unique way to BE-ing. Through and beyond the endless vistas of your psyche. Home to Source.
Linda, i’m glad my words could reflect you… i wish you many moments of the deepest relaxation… learning to relax is the key that opens the door to insight, transformation and well being… may your life be deep and true and oh soooo fun!!!!
I saw myself in your every word and need to explore, and find, and just BE.
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